I won't delve into the nitty gritty details (because really...my brain is already melted and I don't want to cause anyone else similar suffering). Suffice it to say that the processes involved in moving to Canada are confusing. And by "confusing" I mean "make you curl up in the fetal position and cry." And this is coming from an individual who:

* speaks English as her first (and only) language
* simply wants to be a legal resident (as in...not seeking citizenship and the right to vote or any of that jazz)
* is, by all accounts, a pretty smart cookie

So...what on Earth do people from Djibouti who speak- ok...Djibouti might be a bad example seeing as one of their official languages is French. Let's try again. What on Earth do people from Tanzania who speak Swahili do when they want to immigrate to Canada? That is...assuming someone from Tanzania can even afford the fees that go along with the paperwork (which are great and not refunded should you be rejected).

And riddle me this:

Why bother having a hot-line for immigration questions if you're never, ever going to answer it?

Why repeatedly instruct someone to apply for permanent residence within the first six months after entering the country but fail to inform said someone that they'll need to apply to extend their temporary status 30 days earlier than that?

How on earth am I supposed to figure out if I need to apply for "extension of temporary resident status as a visitor" or for "another temporary resident permit?" What's the difference? And if you answer with "why don't you ask immigration services" I will either refer you to my first riddle (if I can contain my rage) or completely lose it and smack you upside the head.

Are the forms, processes, etc. this confusing on purpose (to keep all but rocket scientists and brain surgeons from immigrating) or is the government really just that bad at keeping things relatively simple?

Is there someone, somewhere who, after years of slaving away in a government cubicle, grew bitter and made it their goal to make everyone else equally miserable by making this process as confusing as possible? If so...someone should get in touch with him. I'm sure he'd be thrilled to hear he made a pregnant lady cry.

Can I please have a word with whoever is responsible for the Canadian immigration website? I promise not to cause bodily harm. Honest!

And finally...

Seeing as I'm:

* not a terrorist
* not a criminal of any kind
* married to a Canadian and having his child in 3 months or so
* a pretty decent person
and
* not a burden to the Canadian people

Is it so much to ask that I just hang out here with my husband (without having to navigate a labyrinth, jump through flaming hoops, and walk the line of painsticks to complete the Rite of Ascension) while we wait for my permanent resident application to be processed?

PS: Can I please have a giant slice of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and a big tall glass of milk and then curl up in a blanket and sleep until December?