It’s been one year. One year since my life completely changed, for good…and for the better. It hasn’t always been easy. But it has been more than worth it. It has been the best 525,600 minutes of my life. And I look forward to the next 525,600 minutes. If you’re familiar with the song Seasons of Love from Rent I think you’ll appreciate my version of the song:

five hundred twenty-five thousand
six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty-five thousand
moments so dear
five hundred twenty-five thousand
six hundred minutes
how do you measure- measure a year?
in daylights, in sunsets
in midnights, in dirty diapers
in inches, in miles
in laughter, in strife
in- five hundred twenty-five thousand
six hundred minutes
how do you measure
a year in the life?
how about love?
how about love?
how about love?
measure in love
seasons of love
seasons of love
five hundred twenty-five thousand
six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty-five thousand
tantrums to calm
five hundred twenty-five thousand
six hundred minutes
how do you measure the life
of a daughter or a mom?
in that first story book
or in times that she cried
in the first steps she took
that filled you with pride
it's time now- to sing out
it's Lucy's first birthday
lets celebrate
remember the year and shout "hooray!"
remember the love
remember the love
remember the love
measure in love
measure, measure your life in love
seasons of love...
seasons of love

Truly my year has been one season of love after another. And there’s no way to measure or contain all the love and joy I have found.
Happy birthday Lucy. I love you.
Love, Mama

So you have a happy, healthy baby but you’re still feeling disappointed in your labor and birth experience? Do you feel ashamed for not feeling more grateful for what you have? Don’t. Recently I wrote about my disappointment with my birth experience. That post received a lot of feedback, most of which entailed “yeah, me too!” You are not alone. And you need not feel shame.

Since writing that post I had an experience that really helped me move on and I wanted to share what I learned. I was reading a story (sorry, the link is now dead) about a woman who lost her little girl to cancer and how she managed to survive that terrible loss. Within the comments on that story someone made a comment (and I’m paraphrasing) that acceptance is not approval.

Suddenly everything clicked into place for me. Accepting what happened during Lucy’s birth does not mean I am also approving of the way the doctors treated me. Sometimes things go badly. And sometimes it is because another person did something wrong. We can’t control chance nor other people. Bad things are simply a part of living. It is the price we pay for getting a chance to enjoy the good things. It is a price I’m willing to pay.

What I am not willing to do is let those doctors continue to bring bad into my life by dwelling on their inexcusable behavior. And it’s a great relief to know that choosing to let go and move on has nothing to do with condoning their actions and everything to do with my freedom and taking back the power they took from me. Nor does accepting that I didn’t get the birth I planned mean that I no longer think my wishes were worthwhile.

If you’re unhappy with your birth experience I hope the idea that acceptance is not approval will help you move on. If your experience was more traumatic (c-section or other birth trauma) I hope that some of the following resources will help you.

• Birth Trauma Canada: “Birth Trauma Canada is an organization of mothers traumatized by childbirth. Traumatic stress disorders and depression are normal reactions to severe physical and/or psychological stress.”
• Birth Stars: “Birth Stress, Trauma, and Recover Support: Helping people traumatised by childbirth.”
• The Birth Trauma Association: “The Birth Trauma Association (BTA) supports all women who have had a traumatic birth experience. It is estimated that, in the UK alone, this may result in 10,000 women a year developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).”
• Healing Birth Trauma: A forum for women dealing with birth trauma of various kinds.
• More Than a Traumatic Birth: A short article (among many) on the topic of “birth rape.”
• Recovering from a Cesarean: A short guide to the physical healing required after a c-section.
• Healing the Trauma: An article on PTSD as it relates to birth.
• Solace For Mothers: "An organization designed for the sole purpose of providing and creating support for women who have experienced childbirth as traumatic." {Thanks to Mama Blogess for the link!}
  
• ICAN: The International Cesarean Awareness Network
  

ETA: This post now has a sequel.

This morning I woke up at about four in the morning for reasons unknown. For a while I could not fall back asleep. My mind would not quiet. I was thinking about birth.

I had so many plans for Lucy's birth. I knew a home birth was not going to be an option no matter how badly I wanted one because, at the time, midwives were not covered by Alberta health care and Adam and I didn't feel that an unassisted childbirth was right for us. But I was still aiming for a natural birth. I had read about the risks of having an epidural, and devoured books about natural childbirth. I was in love with the magic of birth and was so excited for my own birthing experience. By the last bit of my pregnancy I had even moved beyond the fear that plagues so many first time moms. I had so many dreams and even predictions:

from my online due date club {click for larger version}

But life happens.

I've written about this before, sort of. But I haven't told the whole story, not really. See, as much as I like putting my life out there for all the Internet to see I don't actually tell you, my readers, too much about my feelings. When I do, I freshen them up with a nice coat of humor. And I don't write about my biggest fears, or my deep seated angers, or the things by which I'm embarrassed. Today I've decided that needs to change. My real stories need to be told because they're the ones worth telling. If, nearly six months after the fact, Lucy's birth is still able to keep me from sleeping, I think that means something. I think it has affected me in ways other than those I've mentioned. And I think other women could benefit from my being open and honest about the whole thing.

So I write.

When I talk about my birth experience I never just say I got an epidural. I say "I got an epidural after about thirty hours because I hadn't gotten any real sleep in nearly three days and I wasn't making any progress so they insisted on using pit and that hurts so much more than regular labor and I just wanted to be able to enjoy my birth again because I wasn't" (said in one big rush). To who am I defending myself? I know very few women in real life as gung-ho about natural child birth as me. None of my friends or family care that I got pain relief. Yet, I have to explain myself every time. Why?

I'm defending myself from me.

A part of me feels like I failed. And that's the part of me that can't let go. It's the part that keeps me up at night asking:

What if you had been in better shape, could you have had the strength to progress faster? Why didn't you at least try to go natural after they augmented your labor? It might not have been so bad. What if you and Adam hadn't tried to encourage Lucy to come? Would she have engaged better? What if...

I try to comfort myself by replying:

Well, the nurses were surprised they hadn't already c-sectioned me. It could have been so much worse. I went longer without the epidural than a lot of women spend in labor. So it's like I did it natural, right? That third degree tear probably would have hurt really bad if I hadn't had the epidural. I just wanted to be able to enjoy myself and I was so tired...it's hard to make decisions in those circumstances.

But it only helps a little. I still can't shake that feeling of failure. At the time I took for granted the idea that next time I could do things differently. But now I realize there may never be a next time. You see, Adam and I have been spending a lot of time discussing the size of our family. The dynamic of three feels so right to us. I've been reading up on what parents of only children, grown only children, and researchers have to say about families with one child. Add my ADD, the environment, and my hope to home school into the mix and there's a strong case for letting Lucy be our one and only. For now nothing is set in stone. We're moving forward with the plan for a family of three while allowing ourselves permission to change our minds and readdress the issue if needed.

That means, as I mentioned, that there may never be a next time.

No second chance to have a midwife attended home birth. No second chance to go natural all the way and finally get to see what birth (as opposed to just labor) feels like. No second chance to have a water birth. No second chance to catch my baby myself or have Adam catch him or her. No second chances because wanting a second chance is not the same as wanting a second child. Every child deserves to be wanted because he or she is, in fact, wanted. It would be supremely unfair to have a child because I want a second chance at birth.

Before, I could brush off all that went wrong with my birth; the failure to progress past four centimeters, the use of drugs, even the doctor who performed a very painful internal exam without permission and the other doctor who shamed me for standing up for myself. I could brush it all off by saying "well, things will be better next time." I used "next time" as an excuse not to face my sadness. But now it's caught up to me.

I have a beautiful, healthy daughter. I didn't die in childbirth. I didn't have a c-section. All in all things went well. And some times I feel ashamed for feeling grief for what I missed out on because I know so many women face much worse. But I do feel grief. I'm mourning the loss of something I had looked forward to with so much excitement and joy. I'm mourning the (possibly) one chance I had, the once in a lifetime opportunity to birth naturally.

Hopefully, by sharing this, I can begin to truly heal and move on instead of masking the pain with "next time." And hopefully someone can benefit from reading this by knowing they are not alone in feeling frustration, anger, shame, and sadness over a birth that didn't happen how it was planned. The truth, the raw truth, is that I regret my decision to get an epidural. I regret how my birthing experience panned out. I know I'm not the only woman who feels regret. But if we all stay silent about it, if I stay silent about it, then we all suffer alone.


How do you feel about your birth experience?

You know how everyone always talks about how children grow up too quickly; one minute you're changing their diapers the next they're off to college? Well...Lucy isn't off to college or anything (I bet she's smart, but not that smart) yet I can assure you that those sentiments are absolutely dead on. You see, the calendar tells me that Lucy is one month old today.

The calendar lies.

The calendar must be lying, right?

Please tell me the calendar is lying.

One month? Already!? Say it ain't so! She's grown almost 2 inches and has passed the eight pound mark. She is most certainly growing too quickly. I've willed her to stop. I've told her to stop. I've even begged her to stop. "Slow down" I say, "take your time!"

She isn't listening.

Despite my displeasure at how speedily she's changing, the past month has been wonderful, beautiful, educational, miraculous, and any number of other positive adjectives. But two thoughts in particular keep coming back to me: my mother, and my birthday.

When I look at my baby girl I think of my mom doing the same. When I think about how much I love this little fussy bug (her most recent nick-name) I'm awed knowing my mother loves me that much (and how incredibly patient a woman she is because I was most certainly a bigger fussy bug than Lucy*). Knowing my mother will be reading this I would just like to say: Mom, I love you. Thank you for loving me that much.

***

My birthday has always been a big deal to me, really big. It didn't always turn out how I'd like (being sick on your birthday is no fun, just FYI) but that never stopped me from having high hopes that each birthday would be awesome. As I've gotten a little older I've had somewhat more realistic expectations for my birthday. But this year, I'm not sure how exited I will be when December 5th rolls around.

You see, I learned something in the past month. December 5th isn't my birthday.

My birthday is December 15th.

December 15th is the day I was "born" as a mother. My life changed that day. It became a brand new life. But more importantly, I changed that day. I became a brand new person. I've been amazed at times by the changes in myself. I'm finding pools of patience, confidence, discipline, selflessness, and love within me that I don't think were there before. Maybe part of that is a result of labor and childbirth. As my doula put it on our final visit "once you go do that you can do anything." But it seems like something more, something magical. I'm not the same Holly I was. I'm Holly 2.0. And I was born December 15th, 2008.

Which means when I hit forty I'll actually only be seventeen. ;)

*I, the baby who would not sleep unless in a swing and swinging...and it wasn't one of those battery operated swings like the one I have the luxury of owning.

If you had been a fly on the wall during my 36 hour labor there would have come a point when you heard me desperately telling Adam that I didn't want to do it anymore, that I wished they could just c-section me and end it (of course, if that had actually been presented as an option I probably would have run screaming in the other direction as I was absolutely terrified of getting a c-section). My point is that labor is hard, especially 36 hours of it. Things certainly got easier once I was given some nitrous oxide. In fact, I began to enjoy myself at that point (laughing gas and I are great pals). Then of course came the exam from hell (pardon my language, but there really is no other way to describe it) which yielded the information that I had made no further progress. No progress = "We're going to augment your labor."

sigh

Here's something most doctors won't tell you about induced or augmented labor: it's bad. And by "bad" I mean that it hurts way more, and tires the laboring women out way more than natural labor does. So when I was told I was getting augmented I basically said "Fine...but only if you give me an epidural." I had dreamed of, planned for, and expected a 100% natural labor, but after having been in labor for 30 hours and not having gone to bed in over 45 hours my body was spent, and my mind was spent. Baby had been doing well but it was only a matter of time before things would have started going downhill. If we didn't do something I probably would have ended up with a c-section. And, frankly, I just wanted to be able to enjoy the rest of the experience.

And I did, as best as I can remember.

See...here's the thing (and one of the reasons for the title to this post): you forget a lot about what happened in labor. Even as I wrote this I had to ask Adam for help with the details. Much of those 36 hours are lost in a haze.

And here's the other reason for the title: you kind of forget how much you wanted it to be over and to never have to do it again.

I remember wanting to be done at the time. I think I remember wanting to never do it again at the time. But, as weird as it is, I don't feel it anymore. In fact, I feel nostalgic about the whole ordeal! Call me crazy...but I'm looking forward to doing it again some day (of course...I'm also assuming I won't have to do it for 36 hours next time). I guess this "labor amnesia" is Nature's way of ensuring women continue have babies.

What frightens me about the idea of doing it again is not the prospect of laboring and giving birth. Rather, what frightens me is the prospect of sharing my love and attention between two little people instead of being solely devoted to Lucy. When I try to imagine having another child I think of that potential person with suspicion and resentment...as if he or she would take something away from my precious daughter. These feelings must be either A: unique to me or B: common among mothers, but temporary because, well...there are an awful lot of families with more than one child.

I imagine, that like the feelings I had during labor that are already fading from memory these too will fade. And someday Lucy will have a little brother or sister to boss around.

Lucy Noelle was born on December 15th at 2:17 pm after approximately 36 hours of labor. She was 48.1 cm long and 7 lbs 0.9 oz. She's doing well and so are her parents.

We'll get pictures on here as soon as we can, but for now we're just enjoying our "babymoon."

I just found out (about 5 minutes ago) that starting April 2009 Alberta health care coverage will cover MIDWIVES!!!

*happy dance*

That's too late to be of use to me this time around. But it's still wonderful, exciting news! All the research I've done indicates that midwives are good for babies and moms! There are no midwives in Medicine Hat. But hopefully this change in policy will encourage more midwives to start practices here in Alberta.

To read more about the change and how it'll help Albertans see the official announcement.

*Did my post title make anyone else think of "Wicked?"

Yesterday Adam was able to come home to eat his lunch before having to head to a different work site. It was clear he was having a stressful day. So after he left I decided it was about time I made "Cookie Monster's Famous Cookies." It's a recipe for sugar cookies from "The Shumate Family Cookbook." He'd been wanting sugar cookies for some time...but there are so many easier cookies to make so they had remained un-made. But I wanted to do something to cheer him up and sugar cookies seemed like just the thing.

Here's the thing you need to know about "The Shumate Family Cookbook:" the recipes are designed to feed a family with 8 kids. Adam and I do not have 8 kids. But did I halve the recipe? No.

By the time I finished the first 3 DOZEN sugar cookies (in Halloween shapes) I was completely wiped out (granted...that isn't just because sugar cookies can be hard work, there's the fact that I'm 7 months pregnant to take into consideration). So there's a bowl of sugar cookie dough in my fridge right now, waiting to be dealt with (we'll probably just freeze it for later); because I was just too tired, and too achy (back and feet) to finish making the cookies.

Adam was thrilled though. So it was worth it. Now I'm just trying to make sure the cookies don't disappear too quickly. "Good luck," Adam says.

Girla snores when she naps. She's such a small creature (though large compared to others of her species). But you can hear her snores from across the room. And it's funny. Really. Truly. Funny.

Adam and I managed to register to vote in the nick of time. The state in which our votes will be counted is so red as to render our votes moot. But darn it we're going to do it anyways!

Loree (my doula) came by for a visit last week. She brought a couple of books with her for me to borrow. I'm going to have to declare "Ina May's Guide To Childbirth" THE BEST pregnancy/labor book EVER. I mean it. There is no better book on the topic. If you are pregnant, think you may someday become pregnant, know someone who is pregnant, or just want some really fascinating material to read then go find a copy at your library, bookstore, paperback swap, or where-ever.

And now I'm too tired to remember what else I was going to write about.

What I'm Currently Reading (heaven forbid I keep to one book at a time):

Birth: The Surprising History Of How We Are Born by Tina Cassidy
So far I like it. It's fascinating! If more textbooks were written like this I think I might have actually enjoyed my classes more often.

Mothering The Mother: How a Doula Can Help You Have a Shorter, Easier, and Healthier Birth by Klaus, Kennell, and Klaus
I love the pictures that all seem to be from the 70's/80's/maybe early 90's...but hey, the content is interesting.

What I'm Looking Forward to Reading (as soon as I get my hands on copies):
(I know Loree (my doula) has at least one of my "need-to-reads" in her personal lending library. Hopefully she has the rest because the library does not have most of them.)

Birthing From Within: An Extra-Ordinary Guide to Childbirth Preparation by England and Horowitz

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin
Interesting tidbit: my doula actually trained at Ina May's center in Tennessee! ETA: Read and LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Goer and Wheeler

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding: Seventh Revised Edition by La Leche League International I started reading this while I was still working at Good Earth in Provo (we cashiers were allowed to read when we weren't otherwise occupied). But then we moved so I didn't get to finish it. The cover features a really sweet picture of a nursing baby. One of my male co-workers asked what I was reading so I showed him the book. You could almost hear his embarrassment when he saw the cover. It was kind of funny but it was also sad. Why? This (and this) is why.

What I Have Already Read or Purchased and Partially Read (some books are more for reference rather than sitting down and plowing through)

The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two by Sears, Sears, Sears, and Sears
If I was filthy rich I'd buy a copy for every expectant mom.

The Breast Feeding Book: Everything You Need to Know About Nursing Your Child from Birth Through Weaning by Sears and Sears
Man! The things you learn in this book are amazing! You really gain an apprectiation for your body (I make milk, what's your superpower?)!

Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care by Jennifer Block
LOVED this book! Really, REALLY loved this book! It's definitely an eye-opener!

Johnson's Mother and Baby by Cooper, Moorhead, Holland, Godridge, and Griffey
Not bad, not bad at all. It's certainly better than a lot (I'm talking about YOU What to Expect When You're Expecting). And it has some really beautiful pictures of some really beautiful babies. But I'd recommend saving your cash and buying the Sear's Baby Book instead.

Speaking of books...I visited one of my favorite places last night: THE LIBRARY! You'd think a bibliophile like me would have checked out the library in town the second we arrived. But somehow I just hadn't gotten around to it. I must say I'm very pleased. And me saying I'm pleased says a lot considering the libraries I'm used to (nationally recognized libraries in Centerville, and the Provo Library and Harold B. Lee Library (HBLL) at BYU which is one of the best college libraries in the US). While the Medicine Hat library may not have the sheer size of the HBLL, the old beauty of the Provo library, nor the extensive movie collection of the Centerville libraries it definitely deserves a lot of love!

A library card runs you $5 a year. I'm not used to giving the library money for anything other than my late fees (which I accrue more often than I'd care to disclose and in amounts that probably function as a larger revenue source than taxes). But I can't complain. $5 is nothing considering the services provided (which I will discuss hereafter) and is still probably going to be less than my yearly late fees.

In addition to the normal library perks (such as a large collection of books which one may borrow) they have free children's programs (which isn't uncommon I suppose) including one for babies who are a mere 4 months old. They also have movies on Thursdays and Saturdays. Now...Provo had a movie night. Adam and I went once. We stayed for about 5-10 minutes. Why? Because I'd rather watch a movie on a tiny little screen in my own home than sit on uncomfortable metal chairs surrounded by kids whose parents don't even attempt to quiet them while straining to see the image projected on a wall in a room that is too brightly lit to be using a projector in the first place and with speakers that are mostly useless. Last night was one of the Medicine Hat Library's movie nights. We stayed for the whole movie. Why? Because they had an actual screen with actual movie theater seating. We will most certainly be going back (free date night!). The library also has workshops and reading programs and is a nice-looking place with really helpful staff. They also have a paperback exchange (bring in a paperback you don't want anymore and take one home to keep). So here's an A+ for the Medicine Hat Library. Oh, and this is the same place with the giant chess board. Still haven't managed to get pictures of the pieces though (they were putting them away for the night by the time we got there).

As for the movie we saw...no A+ there. We watched The Golden Compass. Now I had heard all kinds of things about this movie (anti-God, anti-religion, blah blah blah). But I'm a thinking adult and I'd rather decide these things for myself than have my opinion dictated to me by the hysterical masses (I tend to roll my eyes at any dire warnings received via e-mail forwards). Had it been rated R I certainly would have passed. But seeing as it was a children's movie I was willing to give it a shot (plus it just seemed interesting).

Now, I will say that after we got home I did a little digging. Turns out the books upon which the movie is based are quite anti-religious. The author happily admits his personal opinions on such things. But the movie was so convuluted that it's hard to say what, if any, theme it was trying to portray. Knowing the controversy over the film and being a more astute film watcher than most (my film major husband is training me well) even I had a hard time picking up on any sinister or even merely snarky jabs at religion. Maybe some things could be conveyed as somewhat anti-Catholic...but even that's a stretch.

When it comes right down to it my biggest complaint about the movie is that is simply wasn't very good. The visuals and design were great (loved the wardrobe and the architecture of the world in which the story takes place). But it was obvious that the makers of this movie had tried to cram far too much book into one movie. When adapting a book you either have to sacrifice enough material that the story won't confuse your audience (like dropping Peeves from the Harry Potter movies) or you have to be like Peter Jackson and make some seriously long films (Lord of the Rings). You can't simply try to include it all only to end up barely touching on story lines and barely introducing characters and then expect your audience to know what's going on and to care about the players. So I'm going to reccomend skipping this movie, but only because there are so many better movies to spend your time on.

Now, am I going to read the books? Probably not. I will admit that I'm curious to see just how strong the athiest overtones are, but not curious enough to bump the books to the top of my reading list (which includes far more than the birth and baby related books mentioned above). But who knows. Maybe some day my curiosity will get the better of me. Never say never, right?

I must say I find the tenants of athiesm hard to relate too. Agnosticism I totally get. But seeing as it's pretty impossible to "prove" the non-exsistence of God just as much as it is to prove the existence of God it would seem to me that athiesm requires just as much faith as any religion does. The main difference between the two being that one creates an awfully lonely universe. Of course, I will concede that my opinion is obviously tainted by the fact that as a Christian I most certainly do believe in God.

The other thing I find interesting is that someone would take the time to write an entire series of children's books "about killing God" that are meant to "undermine the basis of Christian belief" (author's words, not mine). For one thing I think young children aren't exactly the best audience for such an argument. One wonders if such themes wouldn't be totally lost on such readership. After all, as a child I totally missed the Christian allergory in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardobe by C.S. Lewis (and if you haven't yet read the Narnia series believe me, the Christian themes are hardly what you'd call subtle). Yet, I suppose, as Adam pointed out, that the aim may be to subconsciously preach your message to a young mind.

My other problem is this: it just seems rude. I mean, really, am I the only one who thinks it's awfully negative to set out to undermine some-one else's beliefs just because one doesn't hold the same beliefs? I don't believe in Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism, Islam, etc. but I sincerely appreciate just about every religion. You know why? Because I appreciate people who are spiritual, and earnestly trying to do good in the world (that doesn't mean I don't have a total and utter dislike for hypocrites who claim religiousity as the impetus for wrong-doing). My World Religions class was one of my absolute favorites. And I'm pretty much a "You're fine. I'm fine. Let's Hug" kind of person.

It's one thing to write books arguing FOR your views (a' la C.S. Lewis). It's an entirely different matter to write books meant to tear down that which so many people hold dear. It's not even that the author is painting the religious as mistaken, or foolish but that they (and religion itself/God) are painted as the evil villain. And when that's the tactic you resort to I have to wonder if you're either just very bitter about something or have an argument too weak to stand on its own.

And finally, some good news! We have a working phone! Yup, that's right, incoming calls and outgoing calls are now possible. However...we had to be assigned a new number to fix the problem. My Facebook friends can find that number here. It is actually a Calgary number. So apologize to anyone who doesn't have unlimited long distance. You're always welcome to drop me a line via e-mail or Facebook and request that I call you. And if you need to get in touch right away you can call and ask me to call right back.

I made tortillas from scratch today. They're kind of ugly (not very good circles). But they taste good and smell great! And they're pretty dang easy to make! I didn't have a rolling pin but I improvised (used my water bottle). They turned out pretty good for a first time attempt if I do say so myself. I couldn't resist eating some of the dough before I cooked them (sprinkled with cinnamon sugar). It was like when I was a little girl and my mom made pie crust; she'd always let me have a little of the raw dough. Mmmmmmm! And I also had to sample one of the tortillas while it was warm and fresh off the griddle. I buttered it and sprinkled it with cinnamon sugar. Yummy!

So tonight we'll have chicken salad (made with the leftovers from yesterday's roast chicken). Tomorrow we're planning on having the ward missionaries over and serving them an elk roast. But then Thursday we plan on using more chicken leftovers and having curry (yum!). I don't know what we'd be having if we hadn't gotten a freezer full of food; beans, rice, and soup I guess.

I finally made some iced red raspberry leaf tea a while back. It's good. But mixed with a little ginger-ale it's divine!!! Of course, I also like it hot. I actually like it quite a lot with milk. It's nice to have the warm milk right before bed (which is when I usually have my tea). Of course "they" say the ol' "warm milk to get to sleep" trick is just psychological. But whatever, it's relaxing and it tastes good.

I finally made that cake I mentioned (the one my grandmother sent me the recipe for). Unfortunately Adam and I were not fans. The texture was good (really moist) but the flavor was definitely not the best. And the frosting! We didn't like the taste OR the texture of the frosting. It really bummed me out. It was the first time I had made cake from scratch (or frosting for that matter). Usually I go the boxed mix and can of frosting route. Plus it somehow feels sad that I don't like what my grandma so clearly enjoys (she raved and raved about this cake). I guess I'm somewhat particular about my chocolate cakes (they need to be dark, rich, moist and spongy).

All this food talk is making me hungry. I'm going to go feed "us."

Another belly picture! Actually it's well past time for another (about 5 weeks since the last one). So without further ado here I am at 22 weeks 4 days.
I don't feel like I look much bigger. But I feel bigger! My belly feels tighter, like it's barely containing all the baby and organs and stuff in there. And my bladder is definitely feeling a change lately. I'm constantly running upstairs to use the bathroom. But that's good. Exercise is good for ya! And our little Lovey is getting stronger too! Some of her kicks are getting almost uncomfortable. But I still love it whenever she wiggles. I don't think I could ever complain about that particular aspect of pregnancy. Of course, I try not to whine about things at all. I've pretty much had the perfect pregnancy (no morning sickness at all)! Besides, what are a few minor discomforts compared to the joy of having a little babe? Man, can you believe I'm going to be a mama in about 4 months?

So, our phone situation has gotten worse rather than better. We are currently unable to make outgoing calls. Which is making getting a hold of customer service really stinkin' difficult. It's stressing me out to no end. I just want my phone to work properly! Is that so much to ask? If this weren't the only VOIP service in our price range I'd be moving on to a different company by now. But I'm making the best of what I've got.

We dined with another family from our ward tonight. Good meal! And good fun (we played Killer Bunnies)! And in addition to milk shakes we had waffle cookies/brownies. Yum! And we were sent home with a huge bag full of food for our freezer (elk steaks, elk roast, deer roast, deer sausage, banana bread, etc.). It's a big blessing because our food budget for the rest of August is all but gone. This stuff is not only going to get us through the next week but well, WELL into September! And Adam loves elk. Plus I feel a lot better eating game than eating farmed meat (yes...I'm "vegetarian" and eat meat...I'm human and weak, accept it and move on). After all, deer and elk lived a nice life in the wild right up until their death unlike factory farm animals. We're having the ward missionaries over for dinner on Wednesday. I felt bad knowing I was going to have to serve them just spaghetti or pancakes or something. But now I can serve them a roast instead!

The most exciting thing that happened this past week was interviewing and hiring my doula! I liked her immediately. And she's got a LOT of experience. She's already been a huge help (clueing me into things I could have never known on my own, like which doctors are the best). There are plenty of reasons to hire a doula. In addition to the normal services a doula provides our doula will be taking pictures for us, and will provide a written account of my labor and delivery to put in our baby book. Plus she'll be "on call" for me two weeks post-partum to help with breastfeeding or whatever. I really wanted a midwife and homebirth for this baby. But once we moved to Medicine Hat that just wasn't an option. I was really down about that for a long time. But now I'm feeling excited and happy again. Knowing I've got her on my support team has made me do a complete 180 in how I think about this birth. I'm actually looking forward to the experience now. I know it will be hard. I know it will be tiring. I know it will be unlike anything I've ever experienced. But I'm not afraid anymore. Plus she's just super nice. She's working with us on the cost and she's easy to talk to. She's got this vibe that's both professional and laid back at the same time. You can see her website here.

I have another prenatal appointment this week. My doula told me that the doc I'm seeing this time is one of the best ones at the clinic so I'm hoping this visit goes better than the rest have. I may not get to choose who delivers my baby but I can make appointments with whomever I'd like. So if I like this doc I'll keep seeing her. I'm also planning on brining a written list of questions along because I'm tired of feeling like I just pop in, give them my weight and pee and head out again. And this time I'm going to ask for a copy of my chart. Seeing as they never tell me anything (like what all they screened my blood for and what the results were, or if I'm gaining too much or too little weight) I'm just going to have to demand that knowledge. I guess I'm just usually too timid to speak up. But my doula encouraged me to go ahead and ask for what I want. She instills a lot of confidence.

I should have a picture to post of our family room this week (and hopefully I'll finish setting up the kitchen too). The family room was clean on Tuesday. But it's been very lived in since then and needs a little tidying.

Cats are funny creatures. At least, our two cats are. Sometimes they seem to meow and meow for no particular reason. You try to love on them and they don't seem interested. But they keep meowing like they want attention. After a bit you start to tune them out because nothing you do seems to satisfy them. It happens every so often. Then there are other times when you realize after 5 minutes of this strange behavior that you're an idiot and they want you to open the basement door so they can get to their food, water, and litter box. Of course...this is all hypothetical. I've certainly never done anything like that...

That's all folks.

Seeing as I'm a first time mom (and delusional) I've compiled a list of projects I want to do before Lovey arrives that is about a mile long (orange items are the ones that are most important to finish before our baby is born).

1. Noah's Ark X-Stitch (my progress so far...actually I'm a little bit farther than this but I have to back track a little because I screwed up...again)

2. A little baby quilt (never made a quilt before but it's going to be all squares...how hard could that be right?)

3. Washable nursing pads (something like these)

4. A fabric ball and blocks (like this).

5. A wrap or two. Which should take all of 10 minutes according to those instructions.

6. Some little shoes (I like Robeez but I don't like leather).

7. Maybe some burp cloths (I know you can just use prefold diapers but I'd like a few colorful ones. As an artist I have an obsession with all things colorful and pretty).

8. Maybe some bibs?

9. Maybe do some applique on some onesies? Like this.

10. A quiet book (for Church).

11. A seek and find toy (also for Church). Like this or this.

12. A blessing dress made out of my wedding dress and my baptism dress.

13. Some simple dresses made out of the same fabric I'm using to make some skirts for myself. Then baby and I can match! It's gonna be SO CUTE (and cheesy).

14. Some X-stitch booties. I have the booties already (bought them at a craft store with a gift card). I just have to pick a design to stitch on the bottoms.

15. Some hats on my knitting loom. So easy!!!

16. And for me...some skirts (suitable for maternity wear and normal wear)

17. Also for me, some no-slip socks (with puffy paint) so I stop falling down the stairs (I'll explain further down).

18. And lastly (for me) mail off my labor beads.

OK, so before you get too baffled wondering what labor beads are let me explain.

I belong to an online due date club. All the moms and moms-to-be are due in December. About 30 of us are buying beads for each other. We'll mail them all (with little notes explaining why we chose the beads we did and wishes for the best) to the lady organizing the swap and she'll sort them out so each person has one bead from each other person. She will then mail the beads back to us. We then string the beads onto a necklace. That necklace is for wearing when we go into labor. It's a neat reminder or how we're all thinking of each other and supporting each other. And after we give birth we can use them as nursing necklaces (click here for an explanation of what a nursing necklace is).

I picked out little glass leaf beads in honor of the new additions to everyone's family trees! I'd show you a picture but the camera batteries need recharged. So I'll probably just wait until the necklace is made and take a picture then.

If any of my friends or family want to send me a bead to add to my necklace I would really love that. I'm very sad that I won't be able to share this exciting time with you in person and the symbolism of having a bead from you with me while I'm in labor would mean a lot to me.

And now...for the stair story:
Monday as I was coming down the stairs in the morning I slipped (who would have thought carpet could be so slippery?). I didn't fall far but I fell hard. I had just been reading in one of my pregnancy books the night before about how important it is to not get jostled in the second and third trimester because you can dislodge the placenta (and that's bad!). The book even emphasized that even a minor fender bender should warrant a visit to the doctor to make sure baby is OK, even if mom isn't hurt. I tried to call the maternity clinic to ask if I needed to come in. I got a machine. So I tried calling the hospital (because I didn't have the number specifically for labor and delivery) and went straight to hold without getting to talk to a real person. So I hung up and tried the clinic again. This time I got through and they told me that since I was past 20 weeks they wanted me to go to labor and delivery and get checked out. Of course, I'm horribly shaken up over the whole thing. I didn't know how to get a hold of Adam so I had to call his boss and tell him I needed Adam to come home and take me to the hospital. Fortunately Adam is currently working at a job site that is nearby and he got home quickly. In the end baby was fine and I was fine other than being sore and being emotional. Of course...the very next day I slipped and almost fell again. So yes...I'll be making no slip socks. And my land lords are reinstalling the handrails as I type (they were being refinished).

Now, do I think I'm going to get all those projects done? Eh....maybe not. But I've split everything up into steps. If I do two steps (any two steps) per day and I cross-stitch for 30 minutes a day I should be done with time to spare. The trick will be making sure I do a little something every day. But it'll be worth it. I used to have a stretchy wrap on my online registry. It was one of the more affordable wraps. But even affordable wraps get quite pricey. Making my own is going to save us quite a bit! And a lot of the projects on my list (quilt, ball/blocks, dresses) are going to be made almost entirely out of supplies I already have on hand. If I was a better seamstress (and even more ambitious than I already am) I might try to sew some diapers. But I figure it'll be a miracle if I even finish all these projects.

I just want to say "CONGRATULATIONS" again to my dear friend Nora! Nora was married for time and all eternity this past Saturday in St. Louis MO. I'm very, very happy for her! Her and her new hubby look so perfect together and she looked absolutely beautiful in her wedding gown.

Well...my friend just dropped off the latest book in the Twilight series. So I'm going to get started without further delay!

Again, I miss all of you who are far away! I'm always happy to get a letter, e-mail, message on Facebook, etc. so please keep in touch!

I thought it might be a good idea to do a post answering some common questions (many of which we've already been getting). I certainly don't mind answering them when asked but I figured this would be easier.

When did we find out we were pregnant?
April 12. Though it took a little while to convince Adam it was true. He didn't know that it doesn't matter how faint the line on the pregnancy test is, if it's there then it's a positive! Another funny tidbit: on April Fool's Day I had told Adam I was pregnant as a little prank. It would have been far too soon for me to have been able to know but he fell for it for just a second. Turns out I really was!

What are we doing as far as medical care goes?
My first appointment was last week. They did all the basics (medical history, exam, drew blood, etc.). I'm going to the Maternity Clinic at the Medicine Hat Hospital since we're new in town and don't already have a family doctor. Around here you only see an OB if there's something wrong or you're high-risk (which is how it should be). We have another appointment on June 24th and are looking forward to hearing the heart beat. We'll be able to tour the labor and delivery ward later, probably during the 3rd trimester.

How far along am I?
11 weeks and 2 days today. The "baby tickers" I've added to the blog and my Facebook profile will keep you up to date.

Are we going to find out the baby's gender ahead of time?
Yes! Yes! Yes! ADHD and patience do not go hand in hand. I can't handle that kind of suspense! We are scheduled for an ultrasound in July. We will let everybody else know what we're having too (none of that keeping it to ourselves stuff).

Have we picked out any names?
Yes, only about a year and a half ago! Ha ha! If it's a boy he'll be Harrison Keith. If it's a girl it will either be Eleanor Darcie or Lucy Noelle. Keith is my grandfather's name. Darcie is my mother's name. And the other names are just names we like. Of course, we reserve the right the change our minds if the baby comes and the names just don't suit him or her.

Am I going to get an epidural?
No, no, no! The hospital here doesn't even offer them and if they did I'd decline. Epidurals tend to cause more problems than they solve. They often slow down labor, increase the chances of medical interventions (i.e. forceps delivery), and increase the risk of c-section. And despite the growing trend of moms electing to have c-sections they are not the safest way to deliver a baby. C-section doubles a mother's mortality risk. They are emergency procedures and I hope to avoid an emergency at all costs. Pain medications also interfere with the establishment of a strong breastfeeding relationship. Plus if you have an epidural you're stuck in the supine position which is the worst possible position for giving birth. I'd much rather be able to get up, walk around, and use more natural methods of pain control. Women were designed to give birth. I for one am looking forward to doing it "au natural." E-mail me if you'd like to read a good article about epidurals.

Am I going to breastfeed?
You bet! The list of reasons mother's milk is best (for baby AND for mom) is a mile long (again, e-mail me for some FASCINATING reading on the subject) or visit ProMoM or kellymom!
The American Academy of Pediatrics says:
"Breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child... Increased duration of breastfeeding confers significant health and developmental benefits for the child and the mother... There is no upper limit to the duration of breastfeeding and no evidence of psychologic or developmental harm from breastfeeding into the third year of life or longer."
And the American Academy of Family Physicians says:
"Breastfeeding beyond the first year offers considerable benefits to both mother and child, and should continue as long as mutually desired." And "If the child is younger than two years of age, the child is at increased risk of illness if weaned."
(emphasis mine)
The World Health Organization recommends nursing continue to 2 years of age and beyond.

Am I taking care of myself?
You bet! I'm taking prenatal vitamins and an Omega-3 supplement. I've always been concerned about good nutrition. We love veggies, whole grains, fresh fruits, etc. and I try to keep up to date on health and wellness information. The first trimester I was very tired so I didn't eat as well as I usually do (which is actually a very common experience for pregnant mothers). But I'm starting to get my energy and appetite back.

Are we hoping for a boy or a girl?
Honestly, we will truly be thrilled with either! If you had asked me two months ago I might have said "girl." Before that I might have said "boy." But right now I'm excited for either! I'll count myself blessed as long as the baby's not a hermaphrodite (I kid you not...I had a dream it was)!

Did I have bad morning sickness?
Nope! Not at all! I had a slightly upset stomach every once in a while but that was it. I think I have my mother to thank for that...she must of given me whatever genes she had. ;)

Have I been having any weird cravings?
Not lately...for a few weeks I craved potatoes; french fries, mashed potatoes, hash browns, baked potatoes, you name it. That passed. I did have a serious aversion to cooked tomato for a while, could not stand the smell! And I haven't been nearly as interested in chocolate as I typically am. The weirdest thing I've had so far is probably a pickle with cream cheese (heard it mentioned somewhere and thought it sounded amazing...it was okay).

If you have any other questions feel free to call, e-mail, or leave a comment on the blog. I'll be doing my best to keep everyone updated but for now there isn't much to tell. It's just a matter of waiting...waiting until the next appointment to hear the heartbeat, waiting until July for an ultrasound, waiting until December for the baby! I wonder if the Stork or Santa will be delivering him/her?