The response to my last post has been almost exclusively a variation of “me too.” It makes me wonder how many of the people I pass in the grocery store feel the hurt of past bullying. Is that guy in the car next to me at the stop light as self-conscious as I am? Maybe not. But maybe he is.

A few people have asked me what can be done?

The truth is I don’t have the answer to that question. I don’t know how to stop bullying. If there is a universal plan to end it {and I doubt that’s the case} I have no clue what it is. All I can offer is some advice that may help others find the solution to individual cases of bullying.

• Ask your children if they are being bullied. Ask them if they are bullying others. Let them know bullying is unacceptable. They may not tell you the truth when you ask, but if you don’t talk to them they may not tell you anything at all.
• If your child is being bullied do not feed them clichés. Sticks and stones break bones, but words can’t be healed by a few weeks in a cast. Sayings like that do nothing to make a victim feel better. In fact they can add to the victim’s shame by making them feel invalidated and as if something is wrong with them for feeling hurt in the first place.
• If your child is being bullied do not tell them to just ignore it. Not only is that teaching them they shouldn’t speak up for themselves and be assertive, it doesn’t work. Often bullies will escalate the harassment in response to such tactics. Fighting back is not the answer, but neither is laying down and letting the bullies continue. We teach people how they can treat us through our actions. Ignoring bullying teaches the perpetrators that they may bully us.
• If teachers, principles, etc. do not take the problem seriously keep going over their heads until you find somebody who will. You are your child’s advocate. They need someone in their corner.
• Consider counselling.

This advice is formed based on experience. I’m not a child psychologist. But I was a victim. And I know what it feels like. For more information on bullying and prevention check out this Wikipedia article and this Bully Free Alberta campaign.

Do you like parties? How about parties with a theme?

I loooooooove themed parties.

So I’ve been mentally planning Lucy’s first birthday party since…hmm…since she was born? Probably. Or maybe since before she was born. Anyway, it’s been a looong time.

For months I thought I’d be doing a Dr. Seuss theme, or maybe just “The Lorax.” Then, yesterday, while running errands inspiration struck. Whole new game plan folks!

I’m not telling {yet}. But trust me, it’s going to be awesome-sauce. Yesterday my mind was a-flurry with ideas. Then, as I lay in bed trying to sleep {which seems to be a common occurrence these days} I worried and wondered.

About what?

About the fact that I don’t actually have many people nearby to invite. And the people I would invite have kids. So either A: I invite just them and not their kids and then it’s an awkward adults only party for a kid {hello! weird and kind of rude} or B: I invite the whole families and the Fire Marshall comes to yell at me for fitting faaaaaaaar more people into my house than is probably legal. And if it’s only adults, what the heck are we supposed to do at this party? And if kids come too, well, what the heck are we supposed to do that’s fun for all ages? And what if I invite people but nobody can come because it conflicts with holiday travel plans?

It was enough to make me almost throw in the towel and give up on the party altogether…almost. But Lucy will only be ONE once. And it’s kind of a big deal. And I really want to decorate and make cupcakes and so on. So then I thought, well, maybe I’ll just do it for the three of us {though that seems like a waste because Lucy won’t care and Adam probably won’t either}. Then I thought, maybe I’ll set up the web-cam so Grandma can at least watch Lucy dig into her cake. But, again, why go to the trouble and expense of decorating if the only person who’s going to appreciate it is me {and the people who ooh and aah over the pictures I’ll post here on my blog}?

So dear readers, what do YOU think I should do?

Also, would it be tacky to put “in lieu of gifts please consider making a donation to the charity of your choice” on the invitations?

Dance.

Sing.

Smile.

Laugh.

Tell stories.

Hug your kids.

Live.

So you have a happy, healthy baby but you’re still feeling disappointed in your labor and birth experience? Do you feel ashamed for not feeling more grateful for what you have? Don’t. Recently I wrote about my disappointment with my birth experience. That post received a lot of feedback, most of which entailed “yeah, me too!” You are not alone. And you need not feel shame.

Since writing that post I had an experience that really helped me move on and I wanted to share what I learned. I was reading a story (sorry, the link is now dead) about a woman who lost her little girl to cancer and how she managed to survive that terrible loss. Within the comments on that story someone made a comment (and I’m paraphrasing) that acceptance is not approval.

Suddenly everything clicked into place for me. Accepting what happened during Lucy’s birth does not mean I am also approving of the way the doctors treated me. Sometimes things go badly. And sometimes it is because another person did something wrong. We can’t control chance nor other people. Bad things are simply a part of living. It is the price we pay for getting a chance to enjoy the good things. It is a price I’m willing to pay.

What I am not willing to do is let those doctors continue to bring bad into my life by dwelling on their inexcusable behavior. And it’s a great relief to know that choosing to let go and move on has nothing to do with condoning their actions and everything to do with my freedom and taking back the power they took from me. Nor does accepting that I didn’t get the birth I planned mean that I no longer think my wishes were worthwhile.

If you’re unhappy with your birth experience I hope the idea that acceptance is not approval will help you move on. If your experience was more traumatic (c-section or other birth trauma) I hope that some of the following resources will help you.

• Birth Trauma Canada: “Birth Trauma Canada is an organization of mothers traumatized by childbirth. Traumatic stress disorders and depression are normal reactions to severe physical and/or psychological stress.”
• Birth Stars: “Birth Stress, Trauma, and Recover Support: Helping people traumatised by childbirth.”
• The Birth Trauma Association: “The Birth Trauma Association (BTA) supports all women who have had a traumatic birth experience. It is estimated that, in the UK alone, this may result in 10,000 women a year developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).”
• Healing Birth Trauma: A forum for women dealing with birth trauma of various kinds.
• More Than a Traumatic Birth: A short article (among many) on the topic of “birth rape.”
• Recovering from a Cesarean: A short guide to the physical healing required after a c-section.
• Healing the Trauma: An article on PTSD as it relates to birth.
• Solace For Mothers: "An organization designed for the sole purpose of providing and creating support for women who have experienced childbirth as traumatic." {Thanks to Mama Blogess for the link!}
  
• ICAN: The International Cesarean Awareness Network
  

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. ~Henry David Thoreau

Do you have big dreams?

My recent Body After Baby post in which I announced my intention to run the Calgary Marathon has gotten quite the response! Several of you expressed (tentatively) the desire to run a marathon as well. Ladies, what’s stopping you? If it’s a goal you want to accomplish then why just muse over the possibility? Go for it! To dream about achieving something without making it happen is like thinking “I really ought to call {insert beloved friend or family member here}” but never actually calling them. It leaves one feeling empty.

Many people let fear stop them from taking the “big leap.” Well, I’m here to say NO MORE! The worst thing that can happen when you reach for a goal is that you fail. Failure is simply an opportunity to try again. So banish your fear. Say “Self, I want to {insert goal here}. I can {insert goal here. And I will {insert goal here}!” Then do it!

But how?

You have to be SMART about goal setting. Goals need to be

• Specific
• Measurable
• Attainable
• Realistic Respectful
• Timely

I’ll clarify each of these qualities using my own goal as an example.

Specific: This means answering the usual who, what, when, where, why, and how questions. Vague goals just won’t work. So instead of setting the goal: I am going to be a runner. I say instead: I (who) am going to run a marathon (what) next May (when) in Calgary (where) by beginning a training program now and sticking with it (how). Answering the why question is equally important. It tells us what our motivation is and can be referred to when we start to feel like giving up. It gives us purpose and drive. So why am I running a marathon? I’m running a marathon so that I can be fit and because I want to prove to myself that I can do hard things!

Measurable: Goals need to be broken up into measurable steps to avoid feeling overwhelmed and to ensure we stay on track for meeting our goals within the self-determined time frame. I’m lucky because running experts have already broken my goal up quite nicely into training schedules. I just need to stick to the schedule. I’ve also selected two smaller races (a 5K and a 10K) that I will run in the time leading up to the real deal.

Attainable: Dream big, but be realistic. If you set an impossible goal you’ll only find yourself frustrated when you find you can’t reach it. I’ve chosen a hard goal, to be sure. A marathon is no walk in the park. But it is feasible. Now, if I had decided I wanted to run a marathon by October, or run my first marathon in record time that would be not only silly, but possibly dangerous.

Realistic Respectful: The traditional SMART method of goal setting lists realistic right after attainable. I’ve always felt this was redundant. That’s why I’ve replaced realistic with respectful. Unless you live in a social vacuum your goals will affect the people you love. So make sure you keep their needs in mind when going for your dreams. Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t ask for any help or ever go for dreams that may require some amount of sacrifice from your friends and/or family. If your loved ones aren’t willing to help you achieve your goals then who is? But if your goals will require significant changes or resources the best thing to do is talk them over with those who will be affected. For example, later in my training I’ll be going on some very long distance runs. I’ll need Adam to watch Lucy while I do those runs. Race registration isn’t free, nor is the travel to race locations. These are all things that affect Adam. But they’re not unfair. If I were to decide to go to the London marathon instead then in our circumstances that would be unfair because of the cost issues. Respect is an important aspect of goal setting because we need the support of our nearest and dearest, especially when the going gets tough. But we don’t want to walk all over our loves ones either. So find the right balance that works for you.

Timely: Generally this aspect is a rehash of the “when question” already addressed. I like to think of it this way: NOW is the time! A timely goal is started today, not a year from now, not a month from now, not the ever elusive tomorrow. If you want it you have to take it for yourself and you have to do it now. I promise that if you wait for a better time that so-called “better time” will never arrive.

If you want to run a marathon, then do it!

There you have it, the SMART method of goal setting. Now you know exactly how to reach for your goals. So what’s stopping you? Worried you don’t have the time? Make time, even if it means letting go of something else (I recommend housework, after all, a messy house is just an indication of a life well lived and you certainly won’t be alone in domestic dorkiness). Do you think people will laugh, or say you can’t do it? Prove ‘em wrong! Are you scared you’ll fail? Remember that failure is just a speed bump and you can keep trying! Believe in yourself!

Life is too short to waste it by letting your dreams stay dreams. Make your dreams a reality. Start today. I believe in you and so should you!

What is your dream? Tell me your SMART goal plan in the comments!

One should never get a tax refund. If you get a refund it means you gave the government an interest free loan. Just think, you could have invested that money and let it earn interest all year long.

That said, if you get a new job in a country and you are unfamiliar with the tax laws of said country you may inadvertently end up with a refund the first time you file your taxes. How do I know this?

I'm just really smart.

Yeah...

It has nothing to do with the fact that Adam filled out our Canadian tax return this past week and we're apparently due for a $2000 refund.

Did I say "nothing?" I mean "everything."

That's right, we should be receiving a $2000 (CAD) refund. If we can figure out how to get Lucy's consular report of birth abroad and a Social Security number in time to file our US tax return I believe we'll qualify for a $300 (USD) stimulus payment. And I might mention that we'll also be getting $100 (CAD) per month for Lucy, a hefty refund of sales/service taxes, and an even heftier payment under the Canada Child Tax Benefit. I won't go into details about how much because it might make you non-Canadians envious. And you should be envious, because guess what...we also pay $0 per month to insure our little family.

Why am I telling you all this? I dunno. I guess it's just because I think it's so awesome.

Now, assuming I am allowed to leave the country and return legally then it looks like I'll be able to visit my family sometime this year after all. And that makes me very, very happy.