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Wednesday, July 28


I was blindsided last week.
Long story short I found my “dad.” And by “dad” I really mean “sperm donor” because, let’s be real, supplying genetic material does not a father make. My father is my step-dad. My bio-dad never paid child support, never visited me, never called, never wrote, not even a single birthday card. Ditto for all my paternal grandparents, uncles, and so on. But don’t think that keeps a little girl from wondering, and wishing, and hurting.
When I was a child I longed to find my dad.
When I was a teenager I longed to find my dad and give him a piece of my mind.
When I was a younger adult than now I longed to find him, give him a piece of my mind, and rake him over the coals for never having paid child support.
Then I found that I didn’t care…or, at least, I thought I didn’t care. After all, why on earth should I care about someone who cares not one iota for me? But that zen conclusion was the product of circumstance. I couldn’t find him. And that was that.
Until I “ran into” him on Facebook.
On Facebook.
And it turned my world upside down.
There he was. He was on Facebook, and MySpace too. There were pictures of him, surrounded by his collection of eleven electric guitars. Eleven guitars. Funny, he wasn’t around to help my mother pay for my one clarinet but he could buy himself eleven friggin’ guitars. And there he was, with a different child in his lap. He couldn’t be bothered to make the child that was me a part of his life, but apparently he had room in his life for others.
I freaked out. I was angry. I was sad. I yelled and cursed and cried. I bawled on the phone with my mother.  I vented to Adam. I tweeted about not knowing whether to contact him or not. I exhausted myself with the emotion of it all.
And then I made my decision.
They say you can’t pick your family {with the exception of your spouse}. Well, I’m lucky because, in this case, I can pick my family. I get to choose if this man will be a part of my life, a part of my family. Over two decades ago he chose to not make me part of his family.
And now I’m making the same choice.
There isn’t a good reason in the world to invite a person like that, a person who would desert his own daughter, into my family. There isn’t a good reason in the world I should put myself through the stress, and anxiety, and hurt I’ve been through any longer. And there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell I’m giving him a chance to be a negative influence in my daughter’s life.
He walked out of my life over twenty years ago.
And I’m letting him go.

8 Stubborn Stains:

Carly said...

Wow we have a lot in common..I have never meet my Biological Sperm Doner (thats what I call him)either. I looked for him on facebook and He's not on there. However his Mother my Grandma lives in another state and has been the only one on that side of Family who has every tried to keep in touch with me. I can totally relate.

KBriggs said...

i cant relate much with your situation but all i can tell you is that you are making the right choice by letting him go but one thing i would suggest... forgive him. it is not worth your time and effort to have resentment against him anymore. your life is full with wonderful things, why give him a feeling in it?
Spanish is my second language so i am hoping that you are able to understand what i am trying to say.
forgive him and forget him. you have to much to still feeling something for him even if it is not a good feeling.

Jenn Galloway said...

How did I miss your tweets?!?! This is pretty big news! Disappointing! But just think, you could have to deal with him everyday! This way you can choose, the power is yours! :)

One Cluttered Brain said...

Jeez. I'm sorry you had to have such a jerk for a bio-Dad.
But at least you have a step-dad that helped to raise you.
Does writing this out help free your mind somewhat?
Writing is a HUGE release for me!

VM Sehy Photography said...

Good for you! That must have been hard though.

My husband's dad left when my husband was two. My husband's mom tried for the longest time to get him to go see his bio dad. (Yes, this man had also gone off and "raised" another family.) My husband was very adamant about not going to see his bio dad. Then our son was born and that was it. If there was ever a spark of hope, it was forever extinguished. He said after that night he would never forgive his bio dad for what he did. (I don't think my mom-in-law has pushed for a visit in a long time.) If there is one postive to the whole mess for my husband, anyway, it's that he makes a very wonderful and devoted father.

Dysfunctional Mom said...

I say good for you. It has to be hard, but I think it's the right thing for you to do.

Aimee said...

Good for you! I think you are handling it well. He doesn't deserve even knowing how happy you are with your life as it is without him. Good for your mom for doing her very best as well.

KK said...

Good for you!

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