Thank you for you recent letter informing me that my first student loan payment is due. I’m glad to see that your employees are in fact capable of using the US Postal Service. After they never sent the forbearance application as promised {you know, the form that would have kept this payment from being due in the first place?} I was worried they didn’t know how to send mail.
I must say, I’m a bit baffled. You see, the bill you sent says very clearly that you only except checks from US Banks. In case you didn’t notice my address when you sent me the bill, I’m in Canada {that’s the country above the United States}. I have a Canadian bank account {because it would be highly inconvenient to drive 4-plus hours and cross the border every time I need to do my banking}. So you surely understand why I called you today to ask what I should do.
And just FYI, “figure it out” is a really crappy answer to provide to someone who is trying to give you money. After all, why do you think I called in the first place? Could it be because I’m trying to “figure it out?” If you won’t take a credit card, and you won’t take a Canadian check maybe YOU ought to figure out what payment you will accept. Because I’m not about to pay for a money order if you’re not able to guarantee you will accept it.
In closing, thanks for nothing.

Sincerely,

Holly The-Woman-Who-Is-Trying-To-Give-You-Money-That-You-Won’t-Take-From-Her Shumate