The response to my last post has been almost exclusively a variation of “me too.” It makes me wonder how many of the people I pass in the grocery store feel the hurt of past bullying. Is that guy in the car next to me at the stop light as self-conscious as I am? Maybe not. But maybe he is.

A few people have asked me what can be done?

The truth is I don’t have the answer to that question. I don’t know how to stop bullying. If there is a universal plan to end it {and I doubt that’s the case} I have no clue what it is. All I can offer is some advice that may help others find the solution to individual cases of bullying.

• Ask your children if they are being bullied. Ask them if they are bullying others. Let them know bullying is unacceptable. They may not tell you the truth when you ask, but if you don’t talk to them they may not tell you anything at all.
• If your child is being bullied do not feed them clichés. Sticks and stones break bones, but words can’t be healed by a few weeks in a cast. Sayings like that do nothing to make a victim feel better. In fact they can add to the victim’s shame by making them feel invalidated and as if something is wrong with them for feeling hurt in the first place.
• If your child is being bullied do not tell them to just ignore it. Not only is that teaching them they shouldn’t speak up for themselves and be assertive, it doesn’t work. Often bullies will escalate the harassment in response to such tactics. Fighting back is not the answer, but neither is laying down and letting the bullies continue. We teach people how they can treat us through our actions. Ignoring bullying teaches the perpetrators that they may bully us.
• If teachers, principles, etc. do not take the problem seriously keep going over their heads until you find somebody who will. You are your child’s advocate. They need someone in their corner.
• Consider counselling.

This advice is formed based on experience. I’m not a child psychologist. But I was a victim. And I know what it feels like. For more information on bullying and prevention check out this Wikipedia article and this Bully Free Alberta campaign.

You remember that girl in elementary school who nobody particularly liked, the one who would often spend recess with a good book instead of a good friend?

I was that girl.

You remember that girl in middle school who wore the dorkiest clothes you’d ever seen, the one who got made fun of for not shaving her legs and who didn’t have many friends?

I was that girl.

You remember that girl in high school who was a total nerd, the one who people thought was kind of a freak?

I was that girl.

I grew up being bullied, teased, lied to, laughed at, and humiliated. Some of my most vivid memories are of the torture my peers inflicted…holding votes while the teacher was out of the room to see how many people didn’t like me, teasing me because I wore the wrong shorts to gym, making fun of me behind my back during my chorus solo, pretending to be my friend so I could be made fun of when absent.

In first grade I wanted to die. There were times at night I’d sneak out to the kitchen to get a knife only to put it back because I was afraid killing myself would be painful.

In second grade I fell in love with whales and was devastated to find that not only was my new passion unappreciated, but was a new source of material for those who mocked me.

In fifth grade I felt shamed by my teachers {in addition to the continued harassment from my classmates} for being forgetful.

In sixth grade I was heartbroken to discover that I was no less a “loser,” no higher on the totem pole than I had been at my old school even though most of my new classmates had never even met me.

In ninth grade I found myself paralyzed by fear when assigned seating placed me next to the worst of my tormentors for 3/4 of the school year.

For years I wracked my brain trying to discover what was wrong with me. What did I do to earn their abuse? What was so bad about me that so many people disliked me so much? Why couldn’t I figure out how to make it stop?

For years I kept it secret. I never told my parents. I never told anyone, never sought help because I was ashamed. I was ashamed that I was so un-cool that I warranted that much venom from those around me. I didn’t want to talk about being bullied because I honestly felt it was somehow my fault.

It was only within the last few years that I realized it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with them. But even knowing that the damage is still there. I’m still terrified of what people think. I still wonder which people are making fun of me when I’m not there to hear it. I still fear conflict. I still lack confidence. And I still hurt.